ITouch

The iTouch is, according to Wikipedia, actually named the iPod Touch, but in reality, the iTouch has absolutely nothing to do with the iPod series at all, let alone Apple. It has nothing to do with the Apple products, including MacBook, ehm, Facebook, the iPod Nano, the iPod Shuffle, the iPhone, or the iPod Classic.

No, the iTouch was invented in 1577 by William Shakespeare because he was told that if he didn't invent something then they would cut his electric bill and he'd half to live out on the streets, hitchhiking to Walmart, the Mall, and sometimes even Dollar General. Especially Dollar General. Because William Shakespeare was a loser and he loved shopping at Dollar General. It was his favorite place to shop.

But anyways, off from that random tangent about Shakespeare and his "beloved" Romeo & Juliet, Hamlet, and McBeth stories, the iTouch, remind me, looks NOTHING like the iPhone and everybody knows that. That's why that people have average arguements about "Oh my God dude why are you fucking LYING to me!? That is SO a iTouch instead of a iPhone, Goddammit! What the fuck, do you think I'm a fucking dumbass or something? Dammit!"

Contrary to popular belief, you don't get your songs off of iTunes, you get them off of LIMEWIRE! DUH! Dumbass.

Back then (Then)
Even though Shakespeare was the first to invent, hold, and touch the iTouch out of glue and wood and some wires, he still was not the first to use it, because had no fucking clue how it worked. No, the first guy to use it was Brad Pitt, a critic for film and music, and he told Shakespeare that "it's the best thing I've ever seen in my entire day", which, coming from Jesus, was really a compliment quite indeed.

Back now (Now)
So, yes, even though it was invented in the 15th century (or whenever the fuck the 1500s happened) the mass public was not made aware of them until 2007 when Apple said they had invented something new that no one else had, and they said nothing of William Shakespeare or Damien Lucifer.

Wifi
Like we said, the iTouch was invented in 1593, or whenever the fuck we said it was invented, but the Wifi wasn't invented until 1865 with the invention of the Internet, because everybody knows that it's fucking impossible for Wifi to be actually useful until the Internet existed. Dumbasses trying to be smartasses....really annoys people....because they just can't fucking do it. It's impossible.

And everybody knows that. Except for them.

Clint Eastwood impression
The iTouch has an App on it that will allow it to do the "clint eastwood impression" and, when enabled, will make your iTouch talk to every girl you've ever liked in a cheap, crazy, dumbass impression of Clint Eastwood that is actually really fucking irritating, obnoxious, freaky, annoying, confusing, scary, and just plain awkward (just like a Katy Perry concert) and the iTouch will be a total dick and blame all that shit on you, leaving you to take the blame (duh) and you will get expelled from your school, workplace, college, or whatever the fuck you're doing right now.

And you'll never get married (100% guaranteed sticker is on the back of every iTouch that you get, but the cashiers of the store you bought it from will try their best to remove it without your knowledge).

Kick-ass-beatcha-mutha-fucka-up! mode
This mode, when enabled, will make the iTouch grow arms and legs and will beat up whoever is nearest to it, and if that doesn't work, it'll take out a fucking bazooka in order to finish the job, so when you do that, if you don't wanna get wasted, or better, killed, then we recommend you throw that thing as fucking far as you can. Or drop it out of a car.

Or whatever the hell you wanna do with it. Nobody cares anyway.

Critics
Critics, of course, fucking LOVED the bitchass mothafucka thing we call the iTouch because it's just so FUCKING AWESOME that critics can't stand it and they're so jealous they wanna go and take a fucking crowbar and beat the shit outta some random kid walking down the street.

Yeah, that's how much they love it.

Old people
Old people are very jealous of the iTouch because they always complain about that bullshit "you teenagers now would never survive if it was the 1900s-1970s like how we had to survive. Now I'ma go be semi-amish, ya bitches".

That's how they're acting with this stuff.

Like dumbasses.