Jesus

Jesus is your best friend, he watches over you, and he is armed when he needs to be, so he's like a cop in most people's perspectives. Jesus used to smoke pot with his friends when he was little and he and his friends were the shit to all the girls in the class who stalked the fuck out of them. He'd have these places where he'd love to smoke, too, such as Borders (at the Mall, you know?), at Walmart, and behind Claire's.

Various, famous Jesus quotes that Jesus said at some point in his long, beautiful, holy, extravegant life

 * "We can invent robots, cars, trains, planes, spaceships, and the latest iPhone, but we can't invent quiet hairdryers?"
 * "Why do popsicle jokes even exist??"
 * "Why do YouTube videos have to load?"
 * "Why isn't The Cleveland Show as funny as Family Guy?"
 * "Why does everything taste like chicken when you're a dog? Even dogshit?"
 * "Why do birds have to shit all the time?"